Living is hard. No one ever says otherwise, and those who do, well I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s hard being a human being. In this day and age of over exposure and bad news everywhere, it’s even harder.I want to have my life together like all the pretty women smiling on tv or on different blogs. I want to be able to look at myself and my current state and think, yeah this is just right.
Instead I settle for yeah, it could be worse.
And it really could.
A new year has rolled around, faster than I can register it. So it’s 2019, and I have no idea what I’m doing with myself or my life. My self is a smaller scale, one I can manage easier, so I’ll focus on that for now.
A lot of people, good intentioned people, tell me to wait. Be patient, a virtue I have never acquired. Things will come. My place will come.
When? Where? How? They never answer. They care, but it feels as though they don’t understand. How can they? My internal world is known only to me.
I take drawing lessons instead. It’s not too bad. It’s exhausting and infuriating, and quite frankly the most patience I’ve ever had to exercise, but I do it anyway. (More on that here). If a thing is worth doing… I don’t even know how the saying goes.
I take Japanese lessons with it, much to the dismay of my parents. It’s an extremely difficult language, and sometimes, I wonder why I even bother. Then I remind myself that I don’t know why I bother with anything, so I keep learning.
I organise. Everything. My bookshelves, my wardrobe, junk drawers I haven’t touched in years, my wallet, my budget. Everything is in order, or at least tries to be. It helps me feel like I’m in control of it, like I know what’s where and I chose for it to stay there. I donate boxes of old things.
None of it is easy, and most days, I still feel like I’m trudging through endless fog, waiting to recognise something. It’s not as bad as it used to be though.
Here are the few things I’ve learned so far about living, and how to convince yourself it’s going to be okay in the end.
- Pick hobbies, plenty of them. Some will be dropped, some will stick. It’s okay. None of us really know what we’re doing half the time.
- Cheer yourself on.No one else is going to do it. People are busy and under their own pressures. You are on your own, and that’s a really good thing.
- Learn to appreciate being alone. It’s scaring and daunting. The loneliness can be crippling. But this is the world we live in. High speed and digitised. Loneliness comes with the package. So appreciate yourself. Learn to understand who you are, and most of all, appreciate the silence before someone comes in and takes it away.
- Go out with friends. This area I’m not an expert on. Not that I am an expert on any of the others, but I’ve recently realised that friendships help keep your mind busy. When your mind is busy, you’re not agonising over the fact that you have nowhere to go and nothing to work towards.
- Pinterest. Anything and everything. Make believe you have your life together and pick up tutorials and redecorating tips. Look up your newest hobby and ignore the sharp envy you feel when you see everyone who’s better than you. Focus instead on how amazing it is that you’re going to be that great someday.
- Organise. It could be your room, or your desk space. It could even be smaller than that. Having things sorted and filtered is good for your mind. It won’t be easy, but when it’s done, you’ll feel as though you’ve gained some semblance of order on your life.
- Avoid asking for advice. I said it once. I’ll say it again. No one knows what’s best for you except you. Letting other people weigh in can provide comfort, but sometimes it’ll make you forget what you really need. People love, and people care, but in the end, you’re the one who’ll understand best.
There are no reasons to listen to me, or anyone for that matter, unless you want to. And that’s what I decided to do. I decided to want to. I want to get better. To find a place for me. And most of all, I want to wake up in the morning and not wondering why the hell I did so in the first place.
Until I decided to want it, it all felt like quicksand. Now, it feels like thick mud. Annoying, and messy, but a bit more concrete, because it’s mine.
So here I am, on that journey. No clue what I’m doing, but adamantly pretending to until I die.